From Point A to Point B.

I started this blog on January 9, 2009 — almost seven years ago — with the following intention:

I genuinely want to know what makes relationships work and what love is really about. Actually, that’s not true at all… I bored myself just writing that. I just want to have an interesting exchange about the topic with those that haven’t totally given up yet, or maybe even with some who have.  That’s all.  And, if I’m lucky, somewhere along the way I might even be saved from my own cynicism…

So, New Year’s resolution, January 2009 [2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015]: Destroy the cynicism within.  Or do something new with my hair.  I’m not sure.   😉

Unfortunately, there is no 12 step process for “destroying the cynicism within.”  The hard truth is that some things can only be learned through a series of painful, yet worthy experiences that ultimately put you in a better place than you were when you began.  Here is very condensed summary of how I got from point A to point B in the last three years:

• Point A: I was guarded, opposed to dating, hung-up on my ex, and constantly trying to convince myself that I wanted to be single my entire life anyway.  I had earned a reputation for being hard to date.  A guy told his buddy he was going to ask me out and his buddy said, “Pfff. Good luck.”  No joke.
• When visiting my family in Michigan, I found out my grandfather was sick and decided to stay for a couple extra months to help care for him until he passed.
• After he died, I inherited the love letters between him and my grandma during WW2.  Talk about true love… They married soon after he was discharged from the Navy and stayed married for 64 years until the day my grandmother died.  Not gonna lie, I ugly cried on the floor of my grandfather’s bedroom when I realized just how much I longed to be loved the way my grandfather loved my grandmother. (I’m incorporating these letters into a book project. It’s an interesting window into the life of a sailor who went to war just after having met the love of his life.)
• I found this picture on Instagram and couldn’t stop going back to look at it:
  

  I know… It annoyed me too.

• I stopped talking to my ex-boyfriend… largely because I found out he was dating a 19-year-old, but hey, at least I cut it off.  The Instagram picture is right, sometimes you just gotta let go to open yourself up.
• Ten months ago, I agreed to go out with a guy I met 4 years ago for something other than breakfast.  I always said he was the type of guy I wanted to date if I was ready, but per usual I refused to give it a chance.
• Point B: Well, guess what? I fell in love:

The overwhelming feeling I have at the present moment, is that the relationship I have with this man was worth everything I had to go through to get here.  It was worth all the heartbreaks and failed relationships.  It was worth faking happiness while watching every. single. one. of my girlfriends get hitched.  It was worth having the entire Midwest question my sexual orientation because I was my 30’s and still single.  Most importantly, it was worth not settling.  And that’s really what I want to say to anyone out there who’s reading this blog.  It might take much longer than you hope to find the guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, but please don’t settle.  In the meantime, focus less on finding the right person, and more on being the right person.  That’s the lesson I had to learn the hard way.

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Honest Insight From a 4-Year-Old.

Ok, ok. I know I already posted this, but it’s just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Can you blame me? Here’s my nephew Braden, offering me some…I’d say pretty honest insight about love, dating, and marriage.

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L is for leadership.

Alongtheway made the following comment on a previous post:

Being a girl (I mean you, not me), and this being a relationship blog, you seem like a good person to ask a question I often wonder about:  What do girls, particularly Christian girls, think about the Garden State version of relationships? (I wrote about it here: http://dominic-ville.xanga.com/600037591/scattered-thoughts-on-relationships/) Namely, do girls want the typical Christian male version of being a leader or would they rather have a less…how do I say it… authoritarian version like Garden State where he can be honest and say, “You know what? I don’t know much, but I’d rather not know much with you than without you.”  I elaborate more in the linked post, but does that make sense?  What are your thoughts?

I can only answer this question for myself rather than try to speak for “girls in general.”

I think I get what you’re saying with the quote you posted from Garden State.  The idea of what this quote represents is a romantic notion — let’s do this all together, we are both on level ground, I won’t make any choices without you, etc. — but at the same time, it just sounds so… boring.  I’m not sure it’s something that I personally buy into.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m all about gender equality and communication in a relationship (and the workplace) but it seems like this kind of attitude can lead to unhealthy co-dependence, the idea of which makes me want to puke.

Leadership in and outside of the relationship is a quality that I definitely look for in a guy.  Not all girls are like me though — some really dig the type of guy they can walk all over.  I just happen to like a guy who can challenge me and keep me in check.  I want to be loved and cherished and all that but I don’t want to go back to being in a relationship with Mr. Drama Queen or Mr. Dud or, on the other extreme, Mr. Over-Bearing Borderline Abusive.

To me, nothing is more attractive than a guy who is solid in knowing who he is and what he wants out of life.  [Here’s the grand finale] A guy who has direction and leadership and the ability to have mutual respect.  A guy who can be himself and let me be me as we walk through our lives together.

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A man’s perspective.

Once again The Love Shoebox is being visited by a male contributor.  I would like to draw attention to the second paragraph and reiterate my questions regarding “The Man Code.”  Thank you.

***

“In this day and age, it seems as if dudes and chicks have fairly equal rights. I’m sure there are some exceptions, but nothing a lawsuit can’t defend or punish. Some chicks work, some dudes stay at home with the kids. Things are starting to even out — although dudes still don’t get the privilege of experiencing child birth…

“That being said, why is the dude still the one who is expected to ask the chick out? I understand there are roles that will never change — like dudes should always pick up the check and should get their asses beat if they ever let the chick pay. But will dudes always be responsible for risking total embarrassment from being shot down by the chick? Here is why I ask…

“How does a guy really know if a chick might dig him? What are the signs? What if she makes great eye contact with him, laughs at his jokes even when they’re not funny, and slightly touches him on the shoulder every now and again? If that’s the case, every waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings (and one of the waiters) must think I’m some kind of wonderful.

“The fact is, dudes never know because there is no certain way to tell. Even with today’s somewhat equal rights, dudes will always be the ones who have to risk making a wonderful friendship a total mess because they might think a chick friend digs them. And that really sucks for the dude because if he gets shot down, the guilt of a broken friendship never really passes — unless the chick was being a total bitch about it.

“Oh, and chicks, never turn down a guy and say, ‘I think you’re a really great guy though.’ That just adds salt to the wound. Might as well say, ‘I could never love you but I will give you a pity compliment… You have nice hair.’

“What are your thoughts, dudes?”

— Nick Philson

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The human body is a mystery.

Why is it that any sort of emotion — weather it be a result of drama, conflict, happiness or excitement and especially when it is associated with a relationship — can be felt.  Do you know what I mean?  It drives me crazy.  If a relationship is just beginning, you feel butterflies in your stomach; if it is ending, your chest tightens up and you think you might DIE… ok, that’s a little extreme and I wouldn’t give anyone THAT much credit.  But what’s frustrating is that  it doesn’t matter what I tell myself.  My mind has little control over my body in situations like that.  “Don’t get too excited.”  “It’s all in your head.”  “Don’t worry about it.”  “You’ll be fine.”  “This is what YOU wanted, you idiot.”

Doesn’t help.  My heart still beats a little too fast; my lungs still feel like they might collapse; my stomach still feels like something is flying around inside.  The human body is a true mystery to me.

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“How Men Fall In Love.” Interesting.

This video made me chuckle due to recent experiences.  In it, Kate White of Cosmopolitan magazine explains to the world how men fall in love.  I’m curious to know what guys think of what she is saying, but also what they think about being represented by the editor in chief of a woman’s magazine… especially a woman’s magazine like Cosmopolitan.

Check it out: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=2076858n or read the article

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A post from a (male) friend of mine.

I was asked to write a guest entry for The Love Shoe Box blog because its lovely and illustrious author is taking a vacation.  So I share with you, a window into MY love life…

During my senior year of high school (a long, long time ago), I was cast as ‘Papa’ in I Remember Mama. This was a fairly small part and I found that I had been type cast. Go figure, 17 years old, and type cast as a father figure.

Since it was a small part, I had a lot of down time and just hung around backstage where I found myself chatting up a lovely junior named Rena (just now I thought I heard angels sing).  As the weeks of rehearsal and performances unfolded, we agreed it would nice to go on a date. This was exciting for me because usually, to get a girl to go out with me took a LOT of effort.  I had a tendency to observe and study a girl I desired, creating a work of fiction about her in my mind but the thought of actually asking her out was suffocating.  (I’m really not as creepy as this makes me sound).  So, when Rena said “sure” it just felt right, easy, kind of like taking a breath.  No works of fiction. We were real together.

We went to see a movie titled Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein starring Kenneth Branagh, Robert Deniro (as Frankenstein) and Helena Bonham Carter as Elizabeth.  Rena was a romantic sort. The kind of girl who liked these kinds of stories and I had been interested to see the film because it had Robert Deniro and Kenneth Branagh in it.

The movie was stupid, poorly constructed, and poorly acted, following a script without a clear direction.  To make matters worse, we had to endure Kenneth Brannagh Brannagh groping Helena Bonham Carter’s crotch in one of the final pivotal scenes. I despised this movie and had no sympathy for Frankenstien when “He was soon borne away by the waves and lost in darkness and distance.”  I explained all of this on the drive home to Rena, who apparently took great offense as she sat quietly,  seething as the rain pelted the car.  When I got to her house, she didn’t say anything. She got out and slammed the door and went inside.   How was I supposed to know she LOVED the stupid movie?

I drove home in silence down South Division towards 76th. The rain clamored loudly on the roof of my car. I was soon borne away… lost in darkness and distance.

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Secret admirers are creepy.

Imagine you’re at work in the middle of a busy day and someone walks over to your desk and drops off a vase of flowers accompanied by a letter from a secret admirer.  Romantic right?  Wrong.  It’s totally creepy.  This happened to my roommate this week.  Her secret admirer posed as a flower deliveryman hoping to see her when he dropped off the flowers.  Since she was working, he left them with the receptionist (and even made her sign for them — props for being thorough).

Maybe to any other woman this would, in fact, be very romantic, but my roomie and I had similar reactions.  We are a lot alike that way, not responding well to the pursual of someone we barely know… or don’t know at all for that matter (unless you’re talking about Robert Pattinson — he’s to DIE for).  The guy could be a dream but if he freaks you out straight from the beginning, it’s not likely to go very far.

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OMG! Status update!

Sorry… I couldn’t resist.  The Barbie blog cracks me up.  See ladies?  If it can happen to Barbie, it can happen to you!  Oh, I did the math and suddenly it makes total sense by Ken didn’t try to save Barbie from the Bengal Tiger.  It must have been a pretty rough break up…

My Boyfriend’s Back!

Maybe you know, maybe you don’t, but Ken and I have been on a little break since 1994. (Okay, I guess that counts as a long-ish break.) But it seems he’s never quite gotten over me. And you know what? I haven’t really gotten over him either. This Valentine’s, I think we’re giving it another shot.

That’s right; it’s official: My boyfriend’s back!

Fashion will always be my one true love, but with Ken on my arm, I know I’ll always look good.

Love is in the air,

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The long distance thing.

I dated an Australian for two and half years.  Doesn’t that sound sexy?  He had the nice accent and everything.  If it weren’t for the fact that he lived on the other side of the planet (and a number of other reasons that made “us” absolutely impossible) I think we would have worked out quite well.

At the time I started dating him I was a full believer in long distance relationships.  I mean, surely, if you love someone enough it can work, right?  Absolutely… NOT with that mentality.  It takes a whole lot more than this euphoric idea of love to make any relationship work, much less a long-distance relationship.

Here’s what I learned from my experience:

1. Communication is everything.  The silent treatment is not effective and actually turns out to be a little expensive over the phone.
2. Creativity is important. Talking on the phone is great but only fun for so long and at the time we didn’t have webcams so “seeing” each other was out of the question.  It got a little… boring.   So you just gotta come up with ways to make it fun.
3. You must be able to trust.  If you’re the jealous type, don’t even try long-distance.  I don’t mean to be discouraging, but if you can’t handle your significant other hanging out with people of the opposite sex in your absence then you will drive yourself CRAZY.
4. Never believe your boyfriend if he sends you a little music box in the mail that plays “The Wedding March” when you turn the little crank and has a note attached that says, “I promise.”  It’s a LIE.  Not that I’m bitter about it… no really, I’m not.

In the end, my half-way-around-the-world relationship didn’t work out but I DID get to go to Australia twice.  (Nothing like a destination that takes 27 hours and 4 anxiety pills to get to).  By the time that relationship was over I swore I would never knowingly start another long distance relationship again.  Which is turning out to be an interesting pact with myself considering the career path I’ve chosen.  I mean, let’s just say I meet the man of my dreams somewhere on location?  Too bad?  Or what if I’m dating someone and I have to go to Vancouver for five months for a film?  That’s it?  Am I able to have both a film career and a healthy relationship?

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